Oh man - July 17, 2011

Have you ever used TV commercials to identify with your life situation?

I am using commercials to remind myself of my new situation, the way I seem to have done all my life. In the mid 80’s it was the late night Burger King commercial with the “shall we?” look at my husband, followed by the immediate memory that the baby was sleeping – we were new parents and couldn’t flee the house on a whim… I was a little surprised and resentful, followed by guilt, of course.

By the late 80’s it was the tampon commercial where the woman is talking about what she told her daughter, which prodded me to think “I’ll tell my daughter…” followed by the realization that I won’t have a daughter…Oh man, I cried! Then I reminded myself that I had 2 healthy, beautiful little boys and was blessed, and that God knew what I needed. Still, it hurt.

And now, the Buick LaCrosse commercial that generated the thought that maybe I’ll win the lottery and get one, the idea I’ve had for years; followed by remembering that I gave my car away because my legs don’t work anymore. Oh yeah, there aren’t going to be any new cars. If I win the lottery, I’ll hire a car service.

I walk within my apartment – short distances with walls and tables to hold on to. I walk past my wheelchair – the one prescribed by my Neurologist and tailored to my size. It just doesn’t seem very convenient to use, but it has felt good when I’ve used it. But how do I carry things from the kitchen when I’m in the chair? Then there’s the folding table I put up by myself a few weeks – OK, maybe a month ago, that I now have no hope of taking down by myself. It’s removal would make the chair easier to use when I’m not carrying anything. And, I’m moving to a first floor unit to accommodate the illness. How do I feel about that? I don’t know what to think or how I feel. It’s all too much to absorb right now, maybe because my B12 is so low. The doctor told me to take twice the recommended amount!   

I’m reminded again of that little girl with another bout of tonsillitis wondering if it was always going to be like this. My mom would assure that it would pass, and it did, and I was always so relieved. Now, with the legs, I’m again wondering if it will always be this way. Unfortunately, with MS, no one knows for sure. There is no reassurance about what my body is going to do. The blessings are great, though – my family and my God. Someday I’ll make a list of all the “God things” I’ve witnessed since June 21^st.

What am I supposed to be doing or planning with these legs and feet? I realized this week that my feet don’t work right. The feet don’t go off the ground the normal way. Who knew feet lift off the ground even just walking?  Well, now I know they do, or in my case, don’t. That would explain why I trip on throw rugs. I shuffle my feet the way a teenager does when his shoes are too big or aren’t tied – the noise that grates on adult’s nerves. I do that in my bare feet. I never thought about how feet worked, and now I can’t stop thinking about them. It’s my legs and my feet. I’m wanting to learn all about it, from a clinical standpoint - a reason to go back to school - ha ha.