A little digression for the start of 2013

I wanted to share the submission I made for a writing contest recently. The top prize is a publishing package, and alas, I didn't win (but next time!) I promise I'll get back to all the God Things that have happened since I became disabled, but meanwhile, please enjoy this little window to my way of thinking.

I Get it Now

Everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made – Isaiah 43:7

May the words of my mouth and the mediation of my heart be pleasing in your sight O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.  Psalm 19:14

I spent a number of years after developing a close relationship with Christ wondering what He wanted me to do with my life. I bought books on it, I prayed. As a goal-oriented person, it was important to me to identify what I was supposed to do so that I could do it right.  I hoped to get a clear message, preferably on the side of the Goodyear blimp, but that didn’t happen.  When I read these verses it became clear:  I am here to glorify and please God.  That’s the goal!  We do that, and we’ve won. Guess I could have skipped those aptitude tests.

As easy as it sounds, life can certainly make glorifying and pleasing God hard to do. You know that overused saying, “God never gives you more than you can handle?” How infuriatingly banal.  For years I responded to that phrase saying “I wished He didn’t think so highly of me!” You see, I am divorced, have an estranged son, grandchildren I’ve never met and have survived ovarian cancer. In addition, I am living with Multiple Sclerosis, and as of January 2012 am officially classified as disabled. The world says I have earned a double serving of angry and bitter. 

We all know people who live their lives being unpleasant, bitter, spiteful and such.  It seems to be more common today than ever, something about only ‘being human.’  Well, I’m human, but it seems logical that poor attitudes don’t align with my goal to glorify and please God.

It is perfectly natural to become bitter when faced with a society that can’t really accommodate your limitations.   If your energy is limited, you are not able to attend evening functions. That means missing out on small groups, choir practice and any other events that would provide fellowship because they take place when the majority of people can utilize them – at night. Being unique is good, but it hurts that my differences keep me so far out of the majority.

Another source of bitterness can be government and non-profit assistance agencies.  While on the surface there are lots of programs available to assist the disabled, it seems they are all designed to serve as few people as possible.  It is understandable that measures have been developed because of abuses, but that really means the disabled person is given a hard time when times are already hard. On average, a person can expect a three year fight to gain access to earned Social Security Disability benefits. I have an MS friend whose battle was five years long. As for me, the first time I applied, the attorney I sought out after the expected decline after the standard six-month wait told me I’d be turned down no matter what because I was too young, so I kept trying to work for eight more years. As for other assistance, I didn’t jump through enough of the unmarked hoops to get government assistance when I was facing eviction, and they paid a quarter of my gas bill when I was facing shut off for that utility before Social Security was approved. I do get $16 a month in food assistance.

The death of dreams is the bitterest pill.  Dreams die hard for everyone, but for the disabled, the dreams that die can include the chance for marriage or love, a stimulating career, travel, living independently or caring for others.  Add to that the isolation that is a part of being physically limited and the disabled person can have a lot of time to stew in bitter juices. What else should be expected? 

Glorify God and bring Him pleasure. As a child of God, that’s what I’m here to do.  Do I glorify God more by complaining that I can’t attend evening functions, or by trying to establish a Saturday morning small group?  Should I be unpleasant when dealing with the agencies that seem offended by my calls, or should I pray that I can be a beacon for the person with whom I am interacting? Is it better for me to just sit alone with my thoughts, or try to brighten someone’s day through a blog?  Should I let my dead dreams prevent me from praying for people when I’m stuck in bed for days on end?

Remember that banal statement? Over the years, my fury has given way to understanding that God just trusts that I will run to Him for assistance more quickly. I’ve also learned that phrase is not biblical – God will never give me more than He and I can handle.

This world is going to knock us all around a bit, and it can be hard to remember why we’re here. When we choose to glorify God and bring Him pleasure, we do what we are here to do, and everybody wins.