Chagrin: a feeling of vexation
marked by disappointment or humiliation
I discovered I couldn’t take “the pill” in my early twenties.
I was understandably angry about it – the last thing someone wants to worry
about is how to make sure she doesn’t have a larger family than she and her
husband could feed. But the pill actually made me afraid of my own behavior, so
I walked away from it, lest I actually earn
the moniker “homicidal maniac.” What a pain!
Fast forward to a summer day when I was 36, recovering from
a surgery that rid me of ovarian cancer, thinking about how fortunate I was
because it was “half the size that it is normally when it’s found” per the
doctor. It was stage 1 – hadn’t gone into the lymph nodes or anywhere else. The
type of cancer I had is resistant to chemo-therapy and radiation.
Reliving the path that got me to that day, I thought about
one doctor who blamed my female trouble on the emotional upheaval of the end of
my marriage, and the second one (a year later) who recommended I go on the pill
as a possible remedy the situation, if I
gave it six months. I told him that I was a homicidal maniac on the pill
and couldn’t take it. Instead, two months
later I was reeling from the thought that my body had turned against me so
secretly and how my world had once again been knocked off its axis, and how I’d still have cancer if I could have taken
the pill.
Then I thought “Wait a minute: Who made me a homicidal maniac on the birth control pill?” I had spent so much time frustrated that I couldn’t control my reproduction the way I wanted, and now I knew why. I was surprised, but God is never surprised. That was my chagrinned moment. The “oh, I’m not really in charge of it all, there are things I do not and cannot know” moment. I was again humbled by my inadequacy, feeling like the kid who’d just confidently shouted the wrong answer in 7th grade.
It was wonderful – I just sat there, red-faced, and so
thankfully chagrinned. I thought about all the time I’d spent angry at my inconvenience,
and how the One who loves me most knew my feelings all that time, like an
experienced parent lets his child be angry about taking a nap, and still puts
her down for one. God is not a guilt-ridden, insecure parent – He knows each
individual’s needs and confidently provides for them, whether or not He’s liked
for it.
Since then, whenever my life is miserable and I’m at the end
of myself, I kind of look forward to my chagrinned moment – because I know that
God is working something out for my good. I’ll tell you about my next big
"chagrinned moment" and how it was another real God Thing next time!
