What I think He was thinking

Did you, as a parent, ever make your child do something because you knew it would be good for her? Did she glare daggers at you while she was doing it?

I've been that child.

Did you, as a parent, ever let your child attempt something that you knew she couldn’t do, rather than tell her she couldn’t?

I’ve been that kid, too.

So every day for 15 months I prayed, on my way to work, that God would give me strength and energy, and that I would represent Him well in everything I did. I reminded myself that I wanted to be God’s instrument, in spite of my exhaustion.

I started skipping my basic work preparation steps – make-up, hair, some days even brushing my teeth, just to stay in bed as long as possible and still be on time for a job that gave me very little satisfaction. I didn’t have much interaction with coworkers and advancing beyond this entry-level job was looking less and less likely every day. I tried to maintain a positive attitude at work (God isn’t glorified by a nasty one), and it seemed I had the respect of my coworkers and even superiors. But I was so angry to be literally killing myself for so little.

As any hopes for promotion continued melting away, my daily prayers started betraying my bitterness (like He didn’t already know). I told God more than once that I couldn’t wait to be chagrinned about my bad attitude for having to endure this challenge. I kept reminding myself that He had a reason, but told Him it’d have to be really good!

Then the wheels fell off. I started calling in every day, due to vertigo and all the other fun caused by the plaques in my brain. After a week, my supervisor called me, and while I was preparing myself for the dismissal announcement, she explained that I was now eligible for Short Term Disability – a benefit I had heard of but knew nothing about. She gave the phone number to call, and a few weeks later I started collecting a portion of my regular pay – enough to keep rent paid at least. Wow. I didn’t expect that!

And, since I had health insurance, I visited my doctor and had blood work done that showed low B12 levels – at least part of the reason I couldn’t think. The health insurance also permitted me to have physical and occupational therapists into my place – providing tips and aids to help my day-to-day living.

After six months, I was notified that the short-term disability was expiring, but with a little info from my doctor’s office, I was approved for long-term disability – something that will not end!  I was blown away.

I spent many of my working years as a contractor getting to do some really cool things – but didn’t have benefits. Here in my late forties I took a menial job for a large corporation, and frankly kept asking “WHY?” Disability insurance, who knew? In addition, my disability request through Social Security was approved faster because there was documentation that I couldn’t work.

 

Perhaps most importantly, I proved to myself that I could no longer work, which helped me release some of the dreams and goals I held for myself. Ah, the warmth of a good, humbling chagrin. I get it now. Thank you, God.

Chagrinned pt Deux

My dream job ended in January of 2009. I chose to see it as a blessing as my dad was in his last days. I had enough money to live on, so I fully turned my attention to my parents, grateful that I could. Dad passed away March 19^th, 2009, and those two months were precious and beautiful.

Of course, the MS really flared during this time and with the Michigan economy the way it was, I couldn’t find any contract work. In February of 2010 a friend told me about a part-time job in a call center – a major step down from my writing work – but something. This job would begin in April, but as I had gone through my savings, I figured I’d make it work, with God’s help, until I got my first paycheck.

On my way to the interview I prayed that God would keep the MS from being very apparent, and help me to have energy for the interview. I also prayed that He would do something that was all HIM. I was thinking maybe He’d connect me with someone who needed a writer, or perhaps introduce me to a man; just something that was totally a God thing.

I was able to walk into the building without stumbling, phew! I was meeting with my friend for the first part of the interview, and almost the first thing out of her mouth was “We have a full-time position that would start on Monday (this was Friday). I know you were thinking part-time, but we really need this position filled. Would you consider full-time?” Well, that sure came out of the blue - perhaps a God thing!

I took the full-time job, claiming that line in the song “I am weak but He is strong.” I was frustrated that I would be exhausting myself for an entry level position, but I was grateful to get paychecks and to have insurance for the first time in eight years.  

 

There was very little face-to-face interaction at work, and since I was working 40 hours, I had to cut doing anything else, including even going to dinner with my extended family. Oh, and the one-way walk from the handicapped parking to my desk was a quarter of a mile! I was lonely and exhausted, and I started asking why.

All I did was go to work, come home and go to bed. I tried to look at the work as an opportunity to bless the people I would speak with on the phone, but I noticed that I wasn’t absorbing new information the way I always had. I blamed the exhaustion, but it burned that I wasn’t performing the way I was used to and even finished the first 9 months as a “partially meets” employee, which meant I wouldn’t get a raise, and was ineligible for promotion. All for a quarter of the income I had working 20 hours a week as a contractor. Seriously, why?

In my prayers, I told God that I was looking forward to my chagrinned moment – discovering what beautiful good there was as a result of it all. Well, it was on it's way!