Over the past little while I’ve shared how God has made His
presence known to me even as I endured the worst that MS has done to me yet. His
presence in all of this has been palpable, and I give thanks every day,
sometimes every minute, for His grace through it all. But I am not a Pollyanna,
and confess that I have been really furious about how my life has turned, and
continue to be broken-hearted about much of it.
In my twenties, the concept of the Holy Trinity, Father, Son
and Holy Spirit was easy to accept for two reasons; 1). He’s God and can do it
however He wants, and 2). I was already a daughter, mother, wife and just me
all at the same time. Susan-the-mother saw the world much differently than Susan-the-person,
and somehow knowing that I, a mere human, could be at least three different
things at once made the trinity easy to accept.
Over the years I’ve honed how I see my “selfs,” if you will.
There’s Susan-the-person, Susan-the-tired-four-year-old, and Susan-the-Child of
God. My goal is to always be the latter, but it’s the first two that have been so
angry and hurt and frustrated the last almost two years.
Susan-the-person still references the “To Do” list, and can
be so disapproving of herself. She hasn’t published a best-selling book, doesn’t
own a house, and has never thrown a grand party to raise money for a worthy
cause. She doesn’t even have a passport. Heck, she’s never owned a new car! I
could go on, but you get the idea. The plans Susan had made have died hard.
Even Susan-the-person can chuckle when Susan-the-tired-four-year-old
(she’s wearing a dress and red patent-leather shoes) makes herself heard. She
made a brief appearance last night, when my son, who could see how tired I was,
asked if I wanted to go to bed. It was 8:30. Screw that it might be exactly
what I need! The four year old wants to know why, why, why, and doesn’t like it
no matter what! She is usually quieted when she sees she can win the battle she’s
trying to fight. She is easy to appease with love and laughter.
Today, I am glad that Susan-the-mother made hard decisions that
were so contrary to what Susan-the-person wanted. And, hindsight being what it
is, I can see now the decisions that MS made throughout my life. So while Susan-the-person
remains greatly unsatisfied, Susan-the-tired-four-old will accept the realities.
But Susan-the Child of God can see how and why I got where I am, and what a
good place it is for me. And Susan can be proud. Maybe that’s what dying to
self is all about.
