What I think He was thinking

Did you, as a parent, ever make your child do something because you knew it would be good for her? Did she glare daggers at you while she was doing it?

I've been that child.

Did you, as a parent, ever let your child attempt something that you knew she couldn’t do, rather than tell her she couldn’t?

I’ve been that kid, too.

So every day for 15 months I prayed, on my way to work, that God would give me strength and energy, and that I would represent Him well in everything I did. I reminded myself that I wanted to be God’s instrument, in spite of my exhaustion.

I started skipping my basic work preparation steps – make-up, hair, some days even brushing my teeth, just to stay in bed as long as possible and still be on time for a job that gave me very little satisfaction. I didn’t have much interaction with coworkers and advancing beyond this entry-level job was looking less and less likely every day. I tried to maintain a positive attitude at work (God isn’t glorified by a nasty one), and it seemed I had the respect of my coworkers and even superiors. But I was so angry to be literally killing myself for so little.

As any hopes for promotion continued melting away, my daily prayers started betraying my bitterness (like He didn’t already know). I told God more than once that I couldn’t wait to be chagrinned about my bad attitude for having to endure this challenge. I kept reminding myself that He had a reason, but told Him it’d have to be really good!

Then the wheels fell off. I started calling in every day, due to vertigo and all the other fun caused by the plaques in my brain. After a week, my supervisor called me, and while I was preparing myself for the dismissal announcement, she explained that I was now eligible for Short Term Disability – a benefit I had heard of but knew nothing about. She gave the phone number to call, and a few weeks later I started collecting a portion of my regular pay – enough to keep rent paid at least. Wow. I didn’t expect that!

And, since I had health insurance, I visited my doctor and had blood work done that showed low B12 levels – at least part of the reason I couldn’t think. The health insurance also permitted me to have physical and occupational therapists into my place – providing tips and aids to help my day-to-day living.

After six months, I was notified that the short-term disability was expiring, but with a little info from my doctor’s office, I was approved for long-term disability – something that will not end!  I was blown away.

I spent many of my working years as a contractor getting to do some really cool things – but didn’t have benefits. Here in my late forties I took a menial job for a large corporation, and frankly kept asking “WHY?” Disability insurance, who knew? In addition, my disability request through Social Security was approved faster because there was documentation that I couldn’t work.

 

Perhaps most importantly, I proved to myself that I could no longer work, which helped me release some of the dreams and goals I held for myself. Ah, the warmth of a good, humbling chagrin. I get it now. Thank you, God.